Why I Have The Best Job In The World

When I was at school and sixth form, it was quite normal to discuss the various teachers: who was good-looking, who was a dragon, who had bad breath and who had an annoying voice.* It never occurred to me that the teachers might do the same in regards to the students, but obviously they do. Today, one of the maths teachers posted up on the noticeboard a particularly funny piece of homework from a student of his, an event which isn't uncommon. It was the solution to one of those "If one train leaves Station A at ...pm, travelling at x speed, and another train leaves Station B at ...pm, travelling at x speed, where will the two trains cross?" problems. The student wrote that they will cross when the first train is 35 km from Station A and 65 km from Station B, and the second train is 25 km from Station A and 75 km from Station B, and so we all had a good laugh about how the normal rules of physics apparently don't apply to the world this child lives in.

But I think that teaching ESL has far more scope when it comes to laughing at the students' expense, and I'd like to explain why. And before you tell me I'm cruel for making fun of my defenceless pupils' mistakes, I'd like to point out that only last year, due to a mispronunciation, I accidentally told my French lecturer that my mother had had a penis transplant** and I'm sure he dined out on that one for a while.

So, without further ado, I present the top 5 reasons why I have the best job in the world:



5.
Student: "I do my muzzer."
Me: "You do your mother? If you say that in the UK, you're going to get funny looks from people."
Student: "I do my muzzer eat?"
Me: "I'm not sure what you mean. Can you try again?"
Student: "I eat my muzzer?"
Me: "OK, if you say that, not only are you going to get funny looks but you're also going to get arrested for cannibalism. Can you think which verb you need to use?"
Student: "Oh yes! I cook my muzzer!"
Me: "That's better, but you're still going to get arrested. What little word do you need to add?"
Student: "Ah! I cook for my muzzer!"
Me: "That's right, well done. Now do you believe me when I tell you prepositions are important?"


4.
Student: (describing a picture of a Masai woman) "She is knickerless."
Me: "I'm sorry, can you repeat that? I'm not sure I heard you right."
Student: "Ze Masai woman is knickerless."
Me: "OK... Well, I suppose it's possible that the Masai don't wear underwear; I'm not an expert. But can you tell me why you think that?"
*confused student points to part of the picture*
Me: "Ah. I see. OK, the sentence you're looking for is 'She is wearing a necklace'..."


3.
Me: (discussing a text on the new scanners at Manchester Airport which see through clothing) "Why is the man uncomfortable about using these new scanners?"
Student: "Because you can see his knackers."
Me: *chokes* "Well, that's one way to put it. I think in this context, it's better to say 'genitalia', though."
Student: "Genitalia? Zat means the same thing as knackers?"
Me: "Er, more or less, but it's a more formal way of saying it. Just out of interest, where did you learn that word?"
Student: "[Teacher] told me zis word. It is not ze right word for nue?"
Me: *long pause while I try not to laugh* "Ah. Yes. I think what you were trying to say, in that case, was 'because you can see he's naked'."


2.
Student: (discussing holidays) "On holiday in a hot country, I like to sit in shit."
Me: "I'm sorry?"
Student: "In shit? I like to sit in shit?"
Me: "I'm pretty sure you don't mean what I think you just said. Can you write the word for me?"
*student does so*
Me: "OK, now this is very important. The word is pronounced 'shade'..."


and my favourite of them all, which happened tonight:

1.
(During a role play about a teenager arguing with his mother)
Student: "What ze fuck? Shut up, you crazy bitch!"
*class laughs/gasps*
Me: "OK, I'm not going to tell you off for that because it's something that English people do say. And you got the grammar right, too! But it's important to think about context. Would you say 'What the fuck? Shut up, you crazy bitch!' to your Mum in real life?"
Student: "No, of course not."
Me: "Good. And why is that?"
Student: "Because she don't speak English."


That kid could not do a thing wrong for the rest of the class.





* Since this blog gets imported into Facebook, where I am friends with a number of my previous teachers, I'd like to point out that I am not above bribery and am prepared to talk if the price is right.

** 'Coeur' = 'heart'. 'Queue' = penis. Almost identical in sound aside from a slightly longer vowel and an 'r' sound at the end.